People = Shit

I don't even know why I bother any more. =_=

People fuck me over every single day without the slightest care in the world.

People who I'm supposed to mean something to; who have said they cared. I'm always the one left out, by myself, alone. Looking up at the people I've grown to trust and love kicking dirt on me when they turn their heels on me. I am over it. The lies. The pretending. The hate messages after I finally crack it and they don't even see why. And the fact that they seem surprised that I'm even behaving so butthurt is quite frankly astounding. As if I'm overreacting. Maybe I am. But lol. People sure do a whole lot to rectify a situation they create. 

GUIZ. MAYBE if we ignore this crazy mofo, she MIGHT forget what we did. Oh yeah. Good luck with that. Pathetically cowardice people. 

There is no forgiveness.

Always the Last

I never seem to be able to find an appropriate way to begin these heavy-hearted posts. To be honest, I don't even know why I do them. Maybe I hope that somebody will read them enough to actually care. Real likely. 

At the moment I'm sitting here trying not to believe how utterly dismal my existence is. I just don't get the point of anything any more. Why do I wake up in the morning? To feel like this again? To be told I have no reason to behave as I do? That I'm stupid and short-sighted because I don't understand my future? I'm so sick of it. People telling me that I'm wrong for what I am. 

I have dreams. They might be small and petty, but they are dreams all the same. I'm constantly shut down for having them. I live in the dark because nobody is willing to shine the light. Even in my happiest moments, I feel afraid; alone. It's just another moment. It will disappear like everything else, no matter how much I try to grasp it. 

Everything just feels numb. I struggle even now to lift my eyes to this screen and decide what to say and how. I can't sleep properly, not that I have for months. I pull out my hair for no apparent reason other than to stop it hurting and joke about why I do it. I can never focus on anything properly; both mentally and visually. It's like my brain is saying it's not worth wasting the concentration. Nothing is important enough to look at. Hours, days, weeks go past. I don't remember them. They're that insignificant to me. 

I see so much beauty in the world. I want to be a part of it. Yet... here I am. In this room. Alone. Writing this blog to the beat of my own headache.

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand

Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love

Without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on

But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning

Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart

Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent

All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain

All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over

There's a light, there's a sun, taking all the shattered ones

To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all

.TortureHer

Truth In Suicide

At the moment I'm reading up for an assessment task I'm doing and I came across something that interested me. Suicide; the wilful taking of one's life. I stopped for a moment to read some studies about the reasons behind people wanting to end their lives and I was surprised to see this statement: 

"One of the most destructive myths about suicide is that people who talk openly about suicide are just seeking attention and don't actually intend to carry out the act. Yet research shows that a high proportion of suicide attempts - perhaps 80 percent - are preceded by some king of warning" (Bagley & Ramsay, 1997).

They all thought you were joking. Does that prove their ignorance? Never joke about your friends who are talking about something like that. And for heaven's sake, don't pretend they don't mean it unless you actually want one less person in your life. Be supportive, not judgemental. 

.TormentHer

I woke up today at 7:33am to a text from my ex. Thanks guy. :P I went back to sleep after that so it was okay, but I started to dream. I don't really understand why I dreamed what I did, but I guess there's a reason behind everything. I should know, seeing as I'm studying Psychology..

It started off with me being in a small country town, which I initially believed to be where my Pa lives. Turned into Ballarat after a while, not that I really remember what it's even like, but whatever. It's a dream.

I was eating dinner with some made-up mind friends, when I noticed something moving outside. It wasn't dark, but the figure was shadowed from view. I started seeing this shadow wherever I went, so I became scared and ran. Two of the friends came with me, looking out for the shadow and helping me along the way. I'd left behind my family and people I cared about, but I knew I had to get away from the shadow.

We walked for a long time, along a dirt road with yellow-brown grass tickling our knees. We came to a main road with many cars and trucks soaring past us which were going faster than you would expect, even for a country freeway. I don't know why, but one of the friends told us we needed to cross the road to continue. So we did, and caused an accident.

I almost didn't see a truck coming from the right, which was closest to us. One friend pulled me back, and then we crossed. There was no island in the middle, so we couldn't stay there - we kept running. Another truck carrying a large load was coming our way from the left this time. It swerved to avoid us and tumbled over to its side, crushing the driver inside and toppling over the road. It caught fire but we didn't turn to look.

We walked some more, and then... I saw it. The shadow had followed us; me. I panicked and tried to find my phone, to ring somebody for help. Emergency services wouldn't pick up. It was just me, two people I'd made up in my head and the shadow that taunted me. It was sitting up behind a wall of bushes and trees, watching us. I knew it was there, I saw it move sometimes, but for some reason we stayed there overnight. 

The next morning I went back. The two friends had disappeared and left me alone. I got to the top of a hill and managed to call the police. I tried to explain what had happened, but he simply told me that there were more immediate dangers to other people and that I was complaining about nothing. I told him I was scared for my safety but he told me it didn't matter and hung up.


I felt isolated and frightened. I wasn't sure where I was or what would happen if the shadow caught me. I thought of the one place I knew I wouldn't be affected. My ex's arms.

I found my way back to town and suddenly he was there, but leaving for the airport. My dream shifted to when we were there, and I was running through the crowds, searching for the back of his head. I saw it, but he was running too. I followed and he flew down a ramp that looked like a terminal exit. His bag was checked and he went outside. There was a weird staircase to the left, which he took. I could see through the window that it lead to some room upstairs that was lit red and gold..


I managed to get up there and listened to what was being said - "Some of you need more protection during the flight than others. Your skin has been checked by Rob. Can the following people now step forward and lie down here." At least that's what I imagine what was said, I don't really remember. 


What they were doing was melting some kind of metal into peoples' skin. It was horrible to watch and listen to them whimper as it was pressed on like a white-hot iron. I wouldn't let them do it to him, so I lay down on top of him and took it. Pain soared through my body as I screamed and my eyes watered, but it hadn't touched him. He didn't look at me.

I ended up in Sydney too. He was walking down a cobbled street and I was following. He slowed down so he could walk beside me when he noticed I was still there, and we just kept walking. Together; his face stony, my skin crusted with red and gold splinters, sparkling against the sunset that should have warmed my heart and reflected in my eyes. Instead, I saw and felt nothing. He didn't really care about what I'd done...

.TormentHer

Trust

I thought I understood the world from a very young age. I wanted to be like the others; to go out on school nights, explore the city in the dark, have fantastic friends to do stupid things with - to feel something. Instead, I found that there was something greater than a child's desire to feel socially accepted. 

I discovered that which some do not find until the very end of their lives. I lived for it, each and every day, for I had found it, but still it had not fully reached me. I can almost draw a likeness to the idea of drinking unicorn blood - it will keep you from an inch from death, but you will life a half life, a cursed life, for slaying something so pure. (Yes, I just used a Harry Potter reference.) This is similar in that I lived by my find, but was torn from living reality at it's most. 

I had my purity taken from me at a time when I wasn't fully prepared to let it go. I suppose I thought that it was right, or maybe I forced myself to think it that way. Not that this matters any more or less than it did before. I simply think back to it because I've begun to feel used, now that I look back on it all. Just a body that has been tampered with and disposed of when the excitement of something new no longer exists. Was I ever truly loved for who I was inside? Or did I let the man who ruled my life for the better part of 3 years destroy my morals along with the trust I had for him?

Even now I cannot live a single day without my thoughts straying back to him. There is nothing to distract me from doing so. Why wouldn't he fight for me instead of just fighting me, period? Did I not show it clearly enough? Is he interested in someone else? Maybe the person who he lied to me over the first time? Will he really betray me again? When did he stop loving me? Was the time I spent waiting worth nothing? The life we imagined, faded to dust? Were the promises he made simple lies to shut me up? Is it okay that he just gets to run away from everything we were when he finally has some stability in his life? Or am I not important enough to be a part of that now..?

Not once did I ever ask for anything other than his company, but I was wrong for doing so. It's my fault that I didn't try harder, that I didn't simply curl in to a ball and die. I'll be sure not to make the same mistake again. Let's see:

• Drugs? Telling me you're "supposed to take ecstasy for the first time" is a real turn-on. And don't forget to lie about it afterwards! 
• Alcohol? Life is not about drinking.
• Smoking? You told me you quit. Twice. Did you really?
• Anger? Sometimes you need to calm down. 
• Responsibility? Nothing is ever your fault.
• Other relationships? Why would you lie after telling me about them? More so, why would you lie in the first place.. I might have understood.

It's like I've become numb to all the darkness he brought to my life. Despite the names I have been called and the insults received, I still want him to come back. After all the little things and aspects about him that make me sick. He said forever, but I've waited, and it's not worth my time to waste away because of someone like that. He will never love me again, and I know this because he will never try to again. He just won't. It is done. 

.TormentHer

My Dying Bride

Before
Has there ever been a moment in your life when you've been able to describe yourself as the eye of a storm? As if everything is spiralling around you, out of control - until finally something breaks. I wouldn't know it for a while yet, but there was a wind picking up behind me. Ignorant me ignored the signs and stood out in the open, vulnerable to the downpour. And pour down it did.

During
I was cold, alone and sad. I didn't understand why it was raining on me and why it wouldn't stop. I cried out for someone to save me from the darkness descending upon the night, like a blanket that was suffocating me. I didn't want to believe it was happening, but I couldn't hide from it. I wanted to scream but only choked on my breath. They tried to help but they couldn't reach me. I eventually returned to the warmth of their side and told them. We hugged my pain away.

After
It was calm. Almost as if nothing had ever happened. I felt, for a moment, as if I had actually grown a little. But you can never escape something like that. The second it is remembered, it comes back to haunt you. I feel lost.

.TormentHer

Give Me A Sign

Today I watched something a little.. inspiring. It was a video on YouTube by BubzBeauty (don't tell anyone I watch her videos), called "Love Your Enemies", and it opened my eyes to some of the things that have hurt both myself and others during the past few years - all because of regret, spite, anger, sadness... 

Revisiting what hurts you most will only cause yourself more pain. So it comes as no surprise that the message she was trying to convey was that we need to just let go of these negative things, and restrict them to further impacting our lives in a bad way. 

I'm guilty of doing this a lot. I allow myself to be open to the pain, rather than being strong enough to lift my head up, and I hate how pathetic it is sometimes. I feel alone and pointless with my life. But why? What for? What does sitting around feeling these dark emotions do for me? If you're stuck in a mess, the only person who can save you is you. No body is really out to care for anyone else except themselves, so who will save you when you can't even be there for yourself? 

I vow to be there for myself this year. I've tried to please others and only ended up hurting them and myself for too long. Though it doesn't come without pain so far.. I'm still alone. Is love dying? I just want to know what is going on  ;_; Give me a sign you're still okay..

.TormentHer

A Part

You were never really a part of anything. 

You thought you had friends.

You promised to make it grow into something beautiful.

You thought what you gave each other meant something.

You wondered why it went wrong.

You don't understand how it's so different.

You don't know how to make it so that at least some of it is preserved.

You don't even know if it's possible.

You hid the sun.

You ruined everything.

You blame them for crushing what you created.

You watch it all fall around you.

You try to keep the middle safe.

You break down.

You tear it apart.

You give up.

You leave it alone.

You missed it.

You went back.

You hold it.

You feel the ashes float away.

You slaughtered everything.

You are worthless and useless.

You fucking lied.

.TormentHer

Less Than Perfect

Lately I've been dreaming of things that disturb me when I wake up. Unfortunately, I've neglected my journal since my last trip to Sydney, so I don't remember them, but I know they've been sad. I just don't know why. It's like I'm being pulled away from everything that's been giving me happiness the past few weeks. All the ups and downs of the relationships I hold with people close to me, the rejection and confusion about so many things.. Sometimes I just sit down and stare off in to the distance, wondering if, one day, I might become the person I always anticipated myself to be - a strong, independent, loving person, with all her dreams attached to the life she foresaw. Right now it feels more like a great cloud of anger and karma has come to haunt me and I don't understand why; like I should run but feel too encased to move. 

Do you ever feel like you have the world in your hand, and in a moment it has been blown away? Like a giant gust of wind suddenly picks up and your perfect world is gone. That is, fundamentally, how I end up most of the time. I watch my world fly away instead of chasing after it, or even holding on to it. I have but the core in my hand.

Nothing seems beautiful at times. I'm trapped in a dying place without colour and positivity. Then suddenly there'll be a burst of it, and I'm happy, and everything else is alive. 

I'm not sure what to make of this year so far. Harry has a new job, so he's focusing on that.. I'm not sure if it's that or something else, but since then we haven't been as we were before. I'm lost about what to do, so I let it decide for itself for once. I'm usually very forward in stating what I feel, or at least I try to be, but I don't know about this time.. It feels different. I've been here and literally watched him come on and offline without saying a word. I don't know if I've done something to upset him, but I don't want to do anything to make him want my company any less than he does now. Some things a person does can never be forgiven or forgotten, but what is better to hold on to? Regrets and hurt from a life before you, or the present and future life that you have? Alone or not, the dark cannot burden you forever. I suppose I'll wait some more for the hint of light. I just wish it would stay for once.

"For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of the city, as you gasp for air tonight."

.TormentHer

Tears Don't Fall

Today is one of those days where I tend to grasp a subject and give extensive thought to it. I awoke at 1pm after dreaming of a little girl, cursed with a terrible rage that caused her to become extremely violent to those nearby who were happy in some way. She looked somewhat like the girl from F.E.A.R., or this:

Google searched "little girl scary", lol.

A friend of mine has recently gotten engaged, and her fiancé and her were two of the people in my dream that caught the little girl's attention. Many anonymous people were killed, commonly being sprayed with a corrosive substance then having their eyes gauged out by the girl's nails. My friend and her future husband escaped that fate though. They hid together in a dark room and held on to each other, hoping that they could at least die in the midst of their passion for one another.

Guardians appeared just as the little girl stepped inside the room, a dark shadow following her stead. The two gazed up to the spirits and they protected their hearts as they escaped into the light. Similar to what tends to occur in movies where characters appear to "see God". The little girl's rage ceased and she was left with the mutilated bodies and a harsh price to repent for her actions. Then.. I proceeded to dream about Desert Rabbits from MapleStory, so let's just leave the whole meaningful part at that xD 

It just seems to me that my subconscious tells me these stories that I should listen to, like visions of the truth of the world entering my thoughts as I sleep. I gained a new sense of the importance of love from this one, though I don't need much more to tell me about that. My boyfriend visited for my birthday last week - the first time I've seen him in two months. He spoils me rotten, to be honest. Always doing things for me and thinking of me first. We did so many things together that I will hold dear to my heart. I want to remember these memories forever from that week. 

• Flinders to Southern Cross Walk
• Elizabeth Street
• Train Rides
• The Walking Dead 4/5
• "Let Me Count The Ways I Love You"

• Walking With Dinosaurs
• The Stokehouse
• "Should've had the Rabbit"
• French Martinis
• Taxi Driver Conversation
• Nights in the Lounge
• Super Smash Bros. Brawl - Wii
• Michalengelo's 
• Watermelon Mai Tai

That's not it, but what a pro as drink.

• Black Jelly Bean Drink!
• Aranwen Pendant
• Sour Strawberry thingies
• Carbonara
• Tequila Shots
• Xbox~Halo 3
• Getting drenched outside DFO
• Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1
• Presentation Evening
• McDonald's
• Red Bull + Wicked
• Waking up at 6am to his smile
• "What?"
• Puffer-fish

• Scorpion Spider Squeal
• MapleCrack
• Stir-Fry
• Saying goodbye
• Watching the train leave...

Ah, it's hard. This time I felt more emotional about him leaving than I ever have, apart from one other time - when we first met. I just wanted to hold him forever. As soon as he walked on to the train, I felt compelled to pull him back. But I couldn't. I just had to stand there and be ripped apart. I suppose that is why I had such a dream. I was being told to realise that, although we are apart, our love is stronger than any darkness that may come our way. Harry and I have endured one of the most hurtful experiences one can ever be asked to digest, but it has made the bond we share stronger than most could ever be. 

And so it is on that note that I will end this post, for I think that I need say no more. I just needed to write it down somewhere; to express my inner thoughts as best I can. Despite how down it all makes me and how upset I may get, I look forward to walking into that light with the man I love, holding his hand as I do with every waking moment I share with him.

.TormentHer

The Coldness Of Caring

Sometimes I wonder whether I truly am happy in this world. There are moments where all I seem to be capable of doing is staring into the blur of my own tears and waiting for them to spill down my cheeks. I don't know why I get like this so easily to be honest. It's just my body's initial reaction to bad stimuli in my environment, and it takes a while for me to snap out of it.

My mother would have witnessed this more than anyone - she tends to walk past my room as I sit here hopelessly. I know it concerns her, but she and I share the same weakness. It's difficult for her to try and say something when she knows anything said would be wrong, so she leaves me be.

Sometimes, it's for the best. I cry it out of me and get over it. But, in reality, chances are I won't. I have a tendency to dwell over things that bother me until they are sorted, else they worsen in my mind. I fixate on every single negative detail and enrage it. No amount of sadness or anger about something will change it or make it go away, but I create factors of both anyway.

I'm an emotional person, though I suppose you could also say "unstable" if it tickles your fancy. I can only imagine what others must say when I turn my back, but the fact that I'm unaware of it bothers me. People around me don't seem to understand why I react in the way I do, or maybe they just don't have the right cues to help them figure it out themselves. It's almost as if I could go do something stupid like jump to my death and I would still be blamed for being too "dramatic"; for not listening; for not being considerate of other people and their feelings first. Would I really still be told that if I were to do it?

This isn't me contemplating suicide or anything like that. I'm just confused by society's demands more than anything. Even the person closest to me who is supposed to understand struggles with my expectations, and I pay the consequences of my actions harshly. I can't say I don't deserve the treatment I receive, but nor do I support it when it is all I have.

"We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be."
I'm only miles away. All I ever needed was someone to talk to, instead I've hid behind empty threats and loosely strung sentences. No one is with me to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. I won't give up, though I can't help but fall to the ground sometimes. 

.TormentHer