I discovered that which some do not find until the very end of their lives. I lived for it, each and every day, for I had found it, but still it had not fully reached me. I can almost draw a likeness to the idea of drinking unicorn blood - it will keep you from an inch from death, but you will life a half life, a cursed life, for slaying something so pure. (Yes, I just used a Harry Potter reference.) This is similar in that I lived by my find, but was torn from living reality at it's most.
I had my purity taken from me at a time when I wasn't fully prepared to let it go. I suppose I thought that it was right, or maybe I forced myself to think it that way. Not that this matters any more or less than it did before. I simply think back to it because I've begun to feel used, now that I look back on it all. Just a body that has been tampered with and disposed of when the excitement of something new no longer exists. Was I ever truly loved for who I was inside? Or did I let the man who ruled my life for the better part of 3 years destroy my morals along with the trust I had for him?
Even now I cannot live a single day without my thoughts straying back to him. There is nothing to distract me from doing so. Why wouldn't he fight for me instead of just fighting me, period? Did I not show it clearly enough? Is he interested in someone else? Maybe the person who he lied to me over the first time? Will he really betray me again? When did he stop loving me? Was the time I spent waiting worth nothing? The life we imagined, faded to dust? Were the promises he made simple lies to shut me up? Is it okay that he just gets to run away from everything we were when he finally has some stability in his life? Or am I not important enough to be a part of that now..?
Not once did I ever ask for anything other than his company, but I was wrong for doing so. It's my fault that I didn't try harder, that I didn't simply curl in to a ball and die. I'll be sure not to make the same mistake again. Let's see:
- Drugs? Telling me you're "supposed to take ecstasy for the first time" is a real turn-on. And don't forget to lie about it afterwards!
- Alcohol? Life is not about drinking.
- Smoking? You told me you quit. Twice. Did you really?
- Anger? Sometimes you need to calm down.
- Responsibility? Nothing is ever your fault.
- Other relationships? Why would you lie after telling me about them? More so, why would you lie in the first place.. I might have understood.
It's like I've become numb to all the darkness he brought to my life. Despite the names I have been called and the insults received, I still want him to come back. After all the little things and aspects about him that make me sick. He said forever, but I've waited, and it's not worth my time to waste away because of someone like that. He will never love me again, and I know this because he will never try to again. He just won't. It is done.