Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Coldness Of Caring

Sometimes I wonder whether I truly am happy in this world. There are moments where all I seem to be capable of doing is staring into the blur of my own tears and waiting for them to spill down my cheeks. I don't know why I get like this so easily to be honest. It's just my body's initial reaction to bad stimuli in my environment, and it takes a while for me to snap out of it.
My mother would have witnessed this more than anyone - she tends to walk past my room as I sit here hopelessly. I know it concerns her, but she and I share the same weakness. It's difficult for her to try and say something when she knows anything said would be wrong, so she leaves me be.

Sometimes, it's for the best. I cry it out of me and get over it. But, in reality, chances are I won't. I have a tendency to dwell over things that bother me until they are sorted, else they worsen in my mind. I fixate on every single negative detail and enrage it. No amount of sadness or anger about something will change it or make it go away, but I create factors of both anyway.

I'm an emotional person, though I suppose you could also say "unstable" if it tickles your fancy. I can only imagine what others must say when I turn my back, but the fact that I'm unaware of it bothers me. People around me don't seem to understand why I react in the way I do, or maybe they just don't have the right cues to help them figure it out themselves. It's almost as if I could go do something stupid like jump to my death and I would still be blamed for being too "dramatic"; for not listening; for not being considerate of other people and their feelings first. Would I really still be told that if I were to do it?
This isn't me contemplating suicide or anything like that. I'm just confused by society's demands more than anything. Even the person closest to me who is supposed to understand struggles with my expectations, and I pay the consequences of my actions harshly. I can't say I don't deserve the treatment I receive, but nor do I support it when it is all I have.

"We are never sad cause we are not allowed to be."
I'm only miles away. All I ever needed was someone to talk to, instead I've hid behind empty threats and loosely strung sentences. No one is with me to hold me and tell me it will all be okay. I won't give up, though I can't help but fall to the ground sometimes. 

Saturday, November 6, 2010

♡ HeroHeroine

I woke up this morning feeling like my spine would snap if I turned over and my eyes would melt away and turn into an omelette if I opened them. I managed to roll out of bed, fall on the floor, walk into my lounge room, collapse onto the couch and then proceed to dream for another good half hour about dango. Freaking. Dango.
So like I said in my first post, I want to talk about someone who I hold close to my heart for many reasons. Harrison :3
STORY. Around the end of 2006 my father bought me my first laptop. I was so excited about it, but knew nothing in regards to the ways of the interwebs and how to computerfy. So my cousin helped me out and subsequently suggested I install Halo and use his CD key. And that moment right there is where my life changed. You see, by installing Halo, I played the game that lead me to connect with someone I will never let go. 
It took me a while to get there first. A year passed before I had gained the courage to venture into online play, and back then there were a handful of people from around the world stuck on one of the older versions, so I opted to go for the nub-tank approach and destroy everything, seeing as my ping would've probably been around 300-400. Playing on these awesome Mexican servers, I met people that made my afternoons alone fun and unique. 

But I remember one day I was bored and felt like being weird, so I went to the top of Death Island and was jumping off the top to suicide. Like any normal 15 year old kid would do. <_<
So here I was, constantly spawning and jumping off, and this random I hadn't met before joined the game and asked what I was doing. His alias was "RaveN" and I came across this guy many times over the next few months. He would just.. suddenly appear. Then I found myself searching through the small selection of servers just so I could be in a game with him. It even got to the point where I'd spam refresh until there was a spot free on his server. 

So one day I decided I wanted to know more about this person. I'd met a lot of friendly and fun people, but this one interested me. He could make me laugh until my eyes watered and was silly about everything. To put it simply, he was a clown. That's what attracts me most. He added me to MSN and voila; we had lift off.

His name was Harry and he lived in NSW. That was another thing I had become accustomed to during my experiences on the Internet - having international acquaintances. My best friend lived in Adelaide. I had a minor fling with another guy from Sydney. I spoke to a guy from Mexico who partly spoke in Spanish. And, of course, the Americans. But this was something different. 

Harry and I began to converse. He would tease me about everything and I would stubbornly object, and though we softly denied it for a while, we both knew what was really happening. We were falling in love, and rapidly too. 
This man had entered my life at a time where I needed a friend most. My status at school with work and friends, and my awkward situation at home, meant that I fled to the Internet and the person who would listen. I spent many hours longing for his company and comfort, but being unable to say so. I'm finding it difficult even now to summon just how I felt back then.. But I wanted to be his. And on 11/02/08 at 22:42:35, after about 2.5 months of contact, I gave my heart away forever. 
It's difficult to put those 3 years into one simple post. There's so much to say and explain, I can hardly find the words. But I wanted to share this story with other people. I have a friend who struggles to find that one person that changes everything, and it makes me sad that he is losing hope. The person I used to be could never have imagined some of the things I have done and my purposes for doing them, but I've done them and it makes me who I am. 
[The first photo together in its original form: 14-09-08]
I found love in one of the most unlikely places. Halo PC. Who would've thought that we'd still be together after all this time apart? From this part of my story I hope you've obtained a better sense of faith in humanity. Even if you aren't looking for what you want, there is the chance that it will find you and hold on. 

There'll be more coming soon ;) Dun you worreh. This is just the beginning.

Let's Hit This Thing OFF

Seeing as this will be my first official blog, I'll do a few simple introductions to demonstrate how my brain works so you can decide for yourself whether you have the time to waste on me or not. 
Herpin' ma derp like a pro. C:
My name is Emily. I live in Australia and I'm about to enter the reality of the world for the first time. After next week I will have completed my Victorian Certificate of Education, and then.. SWEET FREEDOM. My reaction when I come to eventually realise that I will no longer be forced to eat at least one Weet-Bix every morning before I walk the 10 minutes to my bus stop may or may not end in a sudden outburst of something completely absurd and unreasonable. I'm yet to be sure.
Then again, nothing can compare to the challenge of remaining calm whilst reading terribly translated manga. I still grin like an idiot whenever I read that.
I've recently gotten into this really unique Electro-Industrial artist; Unter Null. Erica Dunham, who is also working on her side project, 'Stray', finally released her third album earlier this year, 'Moving On', after a five year break from, 'The Failure Epiphany' (which is also a fantastic album). I'm the type of person that listens to music to reflect or reimburse my emotions, and I've spent many moments gazing out windows or jumping around in my room, disturbing the neighbours with the upbeat percussion and my terrible screaming. It's fun though, and I take comfort in knowing that these emotions aren't only restricted to me. I can be as sad, angry, happy or crazy as I want to be when I listen to her.
My personal favourite from 'The Failure Epiphany'; 'Stray'.
'The Coldness Of Caring' from 'Moving On' CD2.
I've spent a great deal of time flicking through all the photos and videos from live shows and greasing off all these people who can attend and have the opportunity to hold such a privilege because they live in America. Sucks being cut off from some of the most amazing artists out there. 
Oh, that's another thing that's bugging me. I want awesome hair. Like. Really badly. Like these, but less whoring:
But let's face it, shit like that never happens. I might go shorter and colour it a dark auburn red or purple at the end of the year, but I don't know what the shit my hair is doing any more. Seems like every hairdresser I go to has the intention of making me look "kyoote". Why do they not understand that I want my fringe out of my eyes so I can actually see at least 1/4 of my left visionary field? Sure, I used to have the typical emo/scene haircut, and I loved it. But it's like I'm speaking in Cantonese now. In such cases my conscience rapidly create an insatiable urge to yell at them to see if they're actually listening or if I really am just playing the doll in a children's game. It's like they enjoy being able to sit there deciding how to best fuck up your style while sneakily looking at themselves in the mirror and admiring their own perfectly groomed hair.
But, hey. I look back at myself, then at them. Then I think something along the lines of this and amuse myself.
[I almost lost all those ramblings cause blogspot was being a champ. But unfortunately for you, I didn't. So. Ossim.] :D kthnxbai

Someone very special to me has noticed that I have not put them in here, and it worried me that they felt left out. I was intending my next post to include them, but this is to ensure that I do! Next topic of interest: 
My love and life.