Always the Last

I never seem to be able to find an appropriate way to begin these heavy-hearted posts. To be honest, I don't even know why I do them. Maybe I hope that somebody will read them enough to actually care. Real likely. 

At the moment I'm sitting here trying not to believe how utterly dismal my existence is. I just don't get the point of anything any more. Why do I wake up in the morning? To feel like this again? To be told I have no reason to behave as I do? That I'm stupid and short-sighted because I don't understand my future? I'm so sick of it. People telling me that I'm wrong for what I am. 

I have dreams. They might be small and petty, but they are dreams all the same. I'm constantly shut down for having them. I live in the dark because nobody is willing to shine the light. Even in my happiest moments, I feel afraid; alone. It's just another moment. It will disappear like everything else, no matter how much I try to grasp it. 

Everything just feels numb. I struggle even now to lift my eyes to this screen and decide what to say and how. I can't sleep properly, not that I have for months. I pull out my hair for no apparent reason other than to stop it hurting and joke about why I do it. I can never focus on anything properly; both mentally and visually. It's like my brain is saying it's not worth wasting the concentration. Nothing is important enough to look at. Hours, days, weeks go past. I don't remember them. They're that insignificant to me. 

I see so much beauty in the world. I want to be a part of it. Yet... here I am. In this room. Alone. Writing this blog to the beat of my own headache.

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand

Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love

Without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on

But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning

Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart

Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent

All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain

All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over

There's a light, there's a sun, taking all the shattered ones

To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all

.TortureHer

Truth In Suicide

At the moment I'm reading up for an assessment task I'm doing and I came across something that interested me. Suicide; the wilful taking of one's life. I stopped for a moment to read some studies about the reasons behind people wanting to end their lives and I was surprised to see this statement: 

"One of the most destructive myths about suicide is that people who talk openly about suicide are just seeking attention and don't actually intend to carry out the act. Yet research shows that a high proportion of suicide attempts - perhaps 80 percent - are preceded by some king of warning" (Bagley & Ramsay, 1997).

They all thought you were joking. Does that prove their ignorance? Never joke about your friends who are talking about something like that. And for heaven's sake, don't pretend they don't mean it unless you actually want one less person in your life. Be supportive, not judgemental. 

.TormentHer

I woke up today at 7:33am to a text from my ex. Thanks guy. :P I went back to sleep after that so it was okay, but I started to dream. I don't really understand why I dreamed what I did, but I guess there's a reason behind everything. I should know, seeing as I'm studying Psychology..

It started off with me being in a small country town, which I initially believed to be where my Pa lives. Turned into Ballarat after a while, not that I really remember what it's even like, but whatever. It's a dream.

I was eating dinner with some made-up mind friends, when I noticed something moving outside. It wasn't dark, but the figure was shadowed from view. I started seeing this shadow wherever I went, so I became scared and ran. Two of the friends came with me, looking out for the shadow and helping me along the way. I'd left behind my family and people I cared about, but I knew I had to get away from the shadow.

We walked for a long time, along a dirt road with yellow-brown grass tickling our knees. We came to a main road with many cars and trucks soaring past us which were going faster than you would expect, even for a country freeway. I don't know why, but one of the friends told us we needed to cross the road to continue. So we did, and caused an accident.

I almost didn't see a truck coming from the right, which was closest to us. One friend pulled me back, and then we crossed. There was no island in the middle, so we couldn't stay there - we kept running. Another truck carrying a large load was coming our way from the left this time. It swerved to avoid us and tumbled over to its side, crushing the driver inside and toppling over the road. It caught fire but we didn't turn to look.

We walked some more, and then... I saw it. The shadow had followed us; me. I panicked and tried to find my phone, to ring somebody for help. Emergency services wouldn't pick up. It was just me, two people I'd made up in my head and the shadow that taunted me. It was sitting up behind a wall of bushes and trees, watching us. I knew it was there, I saw it move sometimes, but for some reason we stayed there overnight. 

The next morning I went back. The two friends had disappeared and left me alone. I got to the top of a hill and managed to call the police. I tried to explain what had happened, but he simply told me that there were more immediate dangers to other people and that I was complaining about nothing. I told him I was scared for my safety but he told me it didn't matter and hung up.


I felt isolated and frightened. I wasn't sure where I was or what would happen if the shadow caught me. I thought of the one place I knew I wouldn't be affected. My ex's arms.

I found my way back to town and suddenly he was there, but leaving for the airport. My dream shifted to when we were there, and I was running through the crowds, searching for the back of his head. I saw it, but he was running too. I followed and he flew down a ramp that looked like a terminal exit. His bag was checked and he went outside. There was a weird staircase to the left, which he took. I could see through the window that it lead to some room upstairs that was lit red and gold..


I managed to get up there and listened to what was being said - "Some of you need more protection during the flight than others. Your skin has been checked by Rob. Can the following people now step forward and lie down here." At least that's what I imagine what was said, I don't really remember. 


What they were doing was melting some kind of metal into peoples' skin. It was horrible to watch and listen to them whimper as it was pressed on like a white-hot iron. I wouldn't let them do it to him, so I lay down on top of him and took it. Pain soared through my body as I screamed and my eyes watered, but it hadn't touched him. He didn't look at me.

I ended up in Sydney too. He was walking down a cobbled street and I was following. He slowed down so he could walk beside me when he noticed I was still there, and we just kept walking. Together; his face stony, my skin crusted with red and gold splinters, sparkling against the sunset that should have warmed my heart and reflected in my eyes. Instead, I saw and felt nothing. He didn't really care about what I'd done...

.TormentHer

Trust

I thought I understood the world from a very young age. I wanted to be like the others; to go out on school nights, explore the city in the dark, have fantastic friends to do stupid things with - to feel something. Instead, I found that there was something greater than a child's desire to feel socially accepted. 

I discovered that which some do not find until the very end of their lives. I lived for it, each and every day, for I had found it, but still it had not fully reached me. I can almost draw a likeness to the idea of drinking unicorn blood - it will keep you from an inch from death, but you will life a half life, a cursed life, for slaying something so pure. (Yes, I just used a Harry Potter reference.) This is similar in that I lived by my find, but was torn from living reality at it's most. 

I had my purity taken from me at a time when I wasn't fully prepared to let it go. I suppose I thought that it was right, or maybe I forced myself to think it that way. Not that this matters any more or less than it did before. I simply think back to it because I've begun to feel used, now that I look back on it all. Just a body that has been tampered with and disposed of when the excitement of something new no longer exists. Was I ever truly loved for who I was inside? Or did I let the man who ruled my life for the better part of 3 years destroy my morals along with the trust I had for him?

Even now I cannot live a single day without my thoughts straying back to him. There is nothing to distract me from doing so. Why wouldn't he fight for me instead of just fighting me, period? Did I not show it clearly enough? Is he interested in someone else? Maybe the person who he lied to me over the first time? Will he really betray me again? When did he stop loving me? Was the time I spent waiting worth nothing? The life we imagined, faded to dust? Were the promises he made simple lies to shut me up? Is it okay that he just gets to run away from everything we were when he finally has some stability in his life? Or am I not important enough to be a part of that now..?

Not once did I ever ask for anything other than his company, but I was wrong for doing so. It's my fault that I didn't try harder, that I didn't simply curl in to a ball and die. I'll be sure not to make the same mistake again. Let's see:

• Drugs? Telling me you're "supposed to take ecstasy for the first time" is a real turn-on. And don't forget to lie about it afterwards! 
• Alcohol? Life is not about drinking.
• Smoking? You told me you quit. Twice. Did you really?
• Anger? Sometimes you need to calm down. 
• Responsibility? Nothing is ever your fault.
• Other relationships? Why would you lie after telling me about them? More so, why would you lie in the first place.. I might have understood.

It's like I've become numb to all the darkness he brought to my life. Despite the names I have been called and the insults received, I still want him to come back. After all the little things and aspects about him that make me sick. He said forever, but I've waited, and it's not worth my time to waste away because of someone like that. He will never love me again, and I know this because he will never try to again. He just won't. It is done. 

.TormentHer

My Dying Bride

Before
Has there ever been a moment in your life when you've been able to describe yourself as the eye of a storm? As if everything is spiralling around you, out of control - until finally something breaks. I wouldn't know it for a while yet, but there was a wind picking up behind me. Ignorant me ignored the signs and stood out in the open, vulnerable to the downpour. And pour down it did.

During
I was cold, alone and sad. I didn't understand why it was raining on me and why it wouldn't stop. I cried out for someone to save me from the darkness descending upon the night, like a blanket that was suffocating me. I didn't want to believe it was happening, but I couldn't hide from it. I wanted to scream but only choked on my breath. They tried to help but they couldn't reach me. I eventually returned to the warmth of their side and told them. We hugged my pain away.

After
It was calm. Almost as if nothing had ever happened. I felt, for a moment, as if I had actually grown a little. But you can never escape something like that. The second it is remembered, it comes back to haunt you. I feel lost.

.TormentHer

Give Me A Sign

Today I watched something a little.. inspiring. It was a video on YouTube by BubzBeauty (don't tell anyone I watch her videos), called "Love Your Enemies", and it opened my eyes to some of the things that have hurt both myself and others during the past few years - all because of regret, spite, anger, sadness... 

Revisiting what hurts you most will only cause yourself more pain. So it comes as no surprise that the message she was trying to convey was that we need to just let go of these negative things, and restrict them to further impacting our lives in a bad way. 

I'm guilty of doing this a lot. I allow myself to be open to the pain, rather than being strong enough to lift my head up, and I hate how pathetic it is sometimes. I feel alone and pointless with my life. But why? What for? What does sitting around feeling these dark emotions do for me? If you're stuck in a mess, the only person who can save you is you. No body is really out to care for anyone else except themselves, so who will save you when you can't even be there for yourself? 

I vow to be there for myself this year. I've tried to please others and only ended up hurting them and myself for too long. Though it doesn't come without pain so far.. I'm still alone. Is love dying? I just want to know what is going on  ;_; Give me a sign you're still okay..

.TormentHer

A Part

You were never really a part of anything. 

You thought you had friends.

You promised to make it grow into something beautiful.

You thought what you gave each other meant something.

You wondered why it went wrong.

You don't understand how it's so different.

You don't know how to make it so that at least some of it is preserved.

You don't even know if it's possible.

You hid the sun.

You ruined everything.

You blame them for crushing what you created.

You watch it all fall around you.

You try to keep the middle safe.

You break down.

You tear it apart.

You give up.

You leave it alone.

You missed it.

You went back.

You hold it.

You feel the ashes float away.

You slaughtered everything.

You are worthless and useless.

You fucking lied.

.TormentHer

Less Than Perfect

Lately I've been dreaming of things that disturb me when I wake up. Unfortunately, I've neglected my journal since my last trip to Sydney, so I don't remember them, but I know they've been sad. I just don't know why. It's like I'm being pulled away from everything that's been giving me happiness the past few weeks. All the ups and downs of the relationships I hold with people close to me, the rejection and confusion about so many things.. Sometimes I just sit down and stare off in to the distance, wondering if, one day, I might become the person I always anticipated myself to be - a strong, independent, loving person, with all her dreams attached to the life she foresaw. Right now it feels more like a great cloud of anger and karma has come to haunt me and I don't understand why; like I should run but feel too encased to move. 

Do you ever feel like you have the world in your hand, and in a moment it has been blown away? Like a giant gust of wind suddenly picks up and your perfect world is gone. That is, fundamentally, how I end up most of the time. I watch my world fly away instead of chasing after it, or even holding on to it. I have but the core in my hand.

Nothing seems beautiful at times. I'm trapped in a dying place without colour and positivity. Then suddenly there'll be a burst of it, and I'm happy, and everything else is alive. 

I'm not sure what to make of this year so far. Harry has a new job, so he's focusing on that.. I'm not sure if it's that or something else, but since then we haven't been as we were before. I'm lost about what to do, so I let it decide for itself for once. I'm usually very forward in stating what I feel, or at least I try to be, but I don't know about this time.. It feels different. I've been here and literally watched him come on and offline without saying a word. I don't know if I've done something to upset him, but I don't want to do anything to make him want my company any less than he does now. Some things a person does can never be forgiven or forgotten, but what is better to hold on to? Regrets and hurt from a life before you, or the present and future life that you have? Alone or not, the dark cannot burden you forever. I suppose I'll wait some more for the hint of light. I just wish it would stay for once.

"For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of the city, as you gasp for air tonight."

.TormentHer