Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Always the Last

I never seem to be able to find an appropriate way to begin these heavy-hearted posts. To be honest, I don't even know why I do them. Maybe I hope that somebody will read them enough to actually care. Real likely. 
At the moment I'm sitting here trying not to believe how utterly dismal my existence is. I just don't get the point of anything any more. Why do I wake up in the morning? To feel like this again? To be told I have no reason to behave as I do? That I'm stupid and short-sighted because I don't understand my future? I'm so sick of it. People telling me that I'm wrong for what I am. 
I have dreams. They might be small and petty, but they are dreams all the same. I'm constantly shut down for having them. I live in the dark because nobody is willing to shine the light. Even in my happiest moments, I feel afraid; alone. It's just another moment. It will disappear like everything else, no matter how much I try to grasp it. 
Everything just feels numb. I struggle even now to lift my eyes to this screen and decide what to say and how. I can't sleep properly, not that I have for months. I pull out my hair for no apparent reason other than to stop it hurting and joke about why I do it. I can never focus on anything properly; both mentally and visually. It's like my brain is saying it's not worth wasting the concentration. Nothing is important enough to look at. Hours, days, weeks go past. I don't remember them. They're that insignificant to me. 
I see so much beauty in the world. I want to be a part of it. Yet... here I am. In this room. Alone. Writing this blog to the beat of my own headache.

And I've lost who I am, and I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken, rejecting your love
Without, love gone wrong, lifeless words carry on
But I know, all I know, is that the end's beginning
Who I am from the start, take me home to my heart
Let me go and I will run, I will not be silent
All this time spent in vain, wasted years, wasted gain
All is lost, hope remains, and this war's not over
There's a light, there's a sun, taking all the shattered ones
To the place we belong, and his love will conquer all


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