Sunday, January 30, 2011

My Dying Bride

Has there ever been a moment in your life when you've been able to describe yourself as the eye of a storm? As if everything is spiralling around you, out of control - until finally something breaks. I wouldn't know it for a while yet, but there was a wind picking up behind me. Ignorant me ignored the signs and stood out in the open, vulnerable to the downpour. And pour down it did.
I was cold, alone and sad. I didn't understand why it was raining on me and why it wouldn't stop. I cried out for someone to save me from the darkness descending upon the night, like a blanket that was suffocating me. I didn't want to believe it was happening, but I couldn't hide from it. I wanted to scream but only choked on my breath. They tried to help but they couldn't reach me. I eventually returned to the warmth of their side and told them. We hugged my pain away.
It was calm. Almost as if nothing had ever happened. I felt, for a moment, as if I had actually grown a little. But you can never escape something like that. The second it is remembered, it comes back to haunt you. I feel lost.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Give Me A Sign

Today I watched something a little.. inspiring. It was a video on YouTube by BubzBeauty (don't tell anyone I watch her videos), called "Love Your Enemies", and it opened my eyes to some of the things that have hurt both myself and others during the past few years - all because of regret, spite, anger, sadness... 
Revisiting what hurts you most will only cause yourself more pain. So it comes as no surprise that the message she was trying to convey was that we need to just let go of these negative things, and restrict them to further impacting our lives in a bad way. 
I'm guilty of doing this a lot. I allow myself to be open to the pain, rather than being strong enough to lift my head up, and I hate how pathetic it is sometimes. I feel alone and pointless with my life. But why? What for? What does sitting around feeling these dark emotions do for me? If you're stuck in a mess, the only person who can save you is you. No body is really out to care for anyone else except themselves, so who will save you when you can't even be there for yourself? 
I vow to be there for myself this year. I've tried to please others and only ended up hurting them and myself for too long. Though it doesn't come without pain so far.. I'm still alone. Is love dying? I just want to know what is going on  ;_; Give me a sign you're still okay..


Monday, January 24, 2011

A Part

You were never really a part of anything. 
You thought you had friends.
You promised to make it grow into something beautiful.
You thought what you gave each other meant something.
You wondered why it went wrong.
You don't understand how it's so different.
You don't know how to make it so that at least some of it is preserved.
You don't even know if it's possible.
You hid the sun.
You ruined everything.
You blame them for crushing what you created.
You watch it all fall around you.
You try to keep the middle safe.
You break down.
You tear it apart.
You give up.
You leave it alone.
You missed it.
You went back.
You hold it.
You feel the ashes float away.
You slaughtered everything.
You are worthless and useless.
You fucking lied.

Less Than Perfect

Lately I've been dreaming of things that disturb me when I wake up. Unfortunately, I've neglected my journal since my last trip to Sydney, so I don't remember them, but I know they've been sad. I just don't know why. It's like I'm being pulled away from everything that's been giving me happiness the past few weeks. All the ups and downs of the relationships I hold with people close to me, the rejection and confusion about so many things.. Sometimes I just sit down and stare off in to the distance, wondering if, one day, I might become the person I always anticipated myself to be - a strong, independent, loving person, with all her dreams attached to the life she foresaw. Right now it feels more like a great cloud of anger and karma has come to haunt me and I don't understand why; like I should run but feel too encased to move. 
Do you ever feel like you have the world in your hand, and in a moment it has been blown away? Like a giant gust of wind suddenly picks up and your perfect world is gone. That is, fundamentally, how I end up most of the time. I watch my world fly away instead of chasing after it, or even holding on to it. I have but the core in my hand.
Nothing seems beautiful at times. I'm trapped in a dying place without colour and positivity. Then suddenly there'll be a burst of it, and I'm happy, and everything else is alive. 
I'm not sure what to make of this year so far. Harry has a new job, so he's focusing on that.. I'm not sure if it's that or something else, but since then we haven't been as we were before. I'm lost about what to do, so I let it decide for itself for once. I'm usually very forward in stating what I feel, or at least I try to be, but I don't know about this time.. It feels different. I've been here and literally watched him come on and offline without saying a word. I don't know if I've done something to upset him, but I don't want to do anything to make him want my company any less than he does now. Some things a person does can never be forgiven or forgotten, but what is better to hold on to? Regrets and hurt from a life before you, or the present and future life that you have? Alone or not, the dark cannot burden you forever. I suppose I'll wait some more for the hint of light. I just wish it would stay for once.
"For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of the city, as you gasp for air tonight."