Monday, January 24, 2011

Less Than Perfect

Lately I've been dreaming of things that disturb me when I wake up. Unfortunately, I've neglected my journal since my last trip to Sydney, so I don't remember them, but I know they've been sad. I just don't know why. It's like I'm being pulled away from everything that's been giving me happiness the past few weeks. All the ups and downs of the relationships I hold with people close to me, the rejection and confusion about so many things.. Sometimes I just sit down and stare off in to the distance, wondering if, one day, I might become the person I always anticipated myself to be - a strong, independent, loving person, with all her dreams attached to the life she foresaw. Right now it feels more like a great cloud of anger and karma has come to haunt me and I don't understand why; like I should run but feel too encased to move. 
Do you ever feel like you have the world in your hand, and in a moment it has been blown away? Like a giant gust of wind suddenly picks up and your perfect world is gone. That is, fundamentally, how I end up most of the time. I watch my world fly away instead of chasing after it, or even holding on to it. I have but the core in my hand.
Nothing seems beautiful at times. I'm trapped in a dying place without colour and positivity. Then suddenly there'll be a burst of it, and I'm happy, and everything else is alive. 
I'm not sure what to make of this year so far. Harry has a new job, so he's focusing on that.. I'm not sure if it's that or something else, but since then we haven't been as we were before. I'm lost about what to do, so I let it decide for itself for once. I'm usually very forward in stating what I feel, or at least I try to be, but I don't know about this time.. It feels different. I've been here and literally watched him come on and offline without saying a word. I don't know if I've done something to upset him, but I don't want to do anything to make him want my company any less than he does now. Some things a person does can never be forgiven or forgotten, but what is better to hold on to? Regrets and hurt from a life before you, or the present and future life that you have? Alone or not, the dark cannot burden you forever. I suppose I'll wait some more for the hint of light. I just wish it would stay for once.
"For a second I wish the tide would swallow every inch of the city, as you gasp for air tonight."

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